Not Me! Monday

I recently found MckMama’s blog through CFHusband’s blog and have been praying for her little baby Stellan. I instantly fell in love with her blog. Today I couldn’t resist the temptation to jump into the frenzy of fun created by her Not Me! Mondays. (If you read on, I think you’ll catch on to this hilarious, liberating idea).

I didn’t let the fact that I conveniently blocked out all the things that I did not do this week keep me from participating. And so without further ado, here are my top 6 (very random) favorite things I have NOT done in my former days:

I absolutely did NOT walk out of a corporate restroom with my skirt completely tucked into my tights. And a stodgy executive was not walking down the hallway at the exact moment I popped out of the bathroom. I did NOT think he was a dirty old man when I saw him look me up and down with a smirk. After that clue, I definitely would never have proceeded into the office and paraded my tight-clad bottom in front of a good-looking co-worker who had already mentioned that he thought I was too-ditzy to be a former valedictorian. And he would never have asked me to go get him document after document from our flat file drawers without mentioning that I was having a certain wardrobe malfunction. No, that would be too cruel. It would never have taken me more than an hour to discover my predicament. And when I did discover it (which I didn’t because after all NONE of this would ever happen to ME), I didn’t do it while still talking to said co-worker. I didn’t try to adjust my skirt, only to have my fingers grasping air. I didn’t untuck and untuck and untuck my whole skirt while talking and pretending that nothing unusual was going on. Not me! That would be too ridiculous. And above all, I did NOT get winked at every day thereafter by the dirty old man that saw me in the hall. Nope. Not me. Nothing of the sort would ever happen to someone like me. And if it did, I would never laugh about it. And I would never be so humiliated that I didn’t spill the story to my family for over a month. And most certainly would never, ever write about it on this blog.

If you ever have something bad happen to you, don’t worry. I don’t have the horribly unfortunate propensity to laugh hysterically at someone else’s misfortune. I’ve never laughed at my mom when the garage door clunked her in the head and dropped her like a rag doll on the cement. And when a mean, neurotic boss was reaming out one of my co-worker/friends (with lots of demeaning, inappropriate-in-the-workplace expletives) for something that I, in fact, did (I mean never did) – I definitely did not have to leave the room to burst out in hysterical laughter because I was too scared and nervous to come to his rescue and have to humbly apologize later. Not me. I’m way too nice for that.

I am NOT afraid of bugs. Especially not spiders and centipedes. Even if I was, the fear wouldn’t keep me from doing things. Like my laundry. Just because my old near-the-lake apartment had GIANT centipedes that liked to jump out and scare me every time I opened the lid to my washer, I would never avoid going down to the basement so long that I had absolutely no clean clothes to wear. And I mean n.o.n.e. Even if I did, I would never just go out and BUY some clean underwear instead of washing the ones I already had. That would be crazy. I would never do something so irresponsible, irrational and childish. Not me.

And while living on my own in this apartment, I wouldn’t subsist only on food purchased at 7-Eleven just because I hated grocery stores. (Even if I did happen to like spaghettios, mac-n-cheese and cereal).

I did not buck up every once and while and go to an actual grocery store to buy some fruit, because I (of course) behaved like a normal adult and went at least once a week. So fresh fruit wasn’t a rare commodity. And one morning, I did NOT knock over my rare bowl of these from my fridge just as I was rushing to catch the bus for work, because I’m not a klutz like that. And even if I did, and rolling grapes went everywhere, including under the appliances, I would never have sighed and left them there in all their disarray for the ants to find while I was out. And, certainly, the landlord did not make made a surprise visit that day – or maybe the day after while they were still lying there shriveled – and then comment about cleanliness and mice the next time I saw him. When I met a really nice guy that I really liked a few months later, I was not crazy enough (or self-destructive enough) to tell him this story as a way to turn him off. If you’re curious, he also did NOT marry me anyway a year later.

I do not hate cleaning out the refrigerator. And I would NEVER routinely throw out my Tupperware just because I was too grossed out to clean out the unidentifiable substance inside. And even if I was, and my husband was nice and took over refrigerator cleaning duty, I would NOT get annoyed with him every-single-time he cleans it out, because I hate the task so much that I don’t want it done while I’m in the same house. I would never be that weird and ungrateful. Not me!

I’d love it if you all joined in and confessed all the things that you have NOT done. Because I did not have any fun at all sharing mine. Nor was I lured --at all-- by the word contest.